A taste of FAITH, a touch of LAUGHTER.
Learning about love and relationships again, as a single, elderly woman, in my late 60’s, after 25 years of marriage and 10 years of grief and being alone, is a complicated matter. Sometimes I just want my husband back.
I want life to be normal again. I miss the companionship. The sharing. Doing life together. I thought we would grow old together, but his life on this earth was done.
I’m not saying that life with him was completely perfect, or that life has not been interesting since he passed away. It certainly wasn’t and it certainly has. However, it has not been without its challenges.
I think I have learned things I would not have learned within the confines of my marriage. I went through a bout with cancer and several bouts with depression. I relocated. I began a new life on my own.
I took on new activities. I chose a healthier lifestyle, for the most part. I learned how to manage simple friendships with several men in my life, since anything more reawakened grief, and brought confusion. These are friendships I try to maintain, even today.
I sometimes yearned for more, but I was unable to handle the mixed emotions that surfaced. Beginning to understand that I was not indeed a stick of wood, but a woman, and the friend in front of me was a man, brought out an awareness of the potential for joy, which in its turn brought grief. I was not ready.
After 10 years, however, I felt ready. I met a man and went on an adventure! My heart opened up. I was comfortable and free. I was able to love and knew I could be loved back.
I learned so much about myself during this time and I’m very thankful for that, even though it hasn’t worked out for me in the end. Certain elements of what I would need in a viable relationship were present, but not all. Some important things were lacking and some things were unable to be resolved immediately. We thought we could do it, somehow, over time, working it out together, but in the end, I knew I couldn’t manage.
As a result, I ended things, and we are both now really struggling. It is sad, and the outcome is very akin to grief, in some ways, but I am strong and I know I can do this. I know I am going to be ok, whether walking through this life alone or not. I know I am never completely alone, with God in my life. He is my strength and my comfort, my sustainer. I just sometimes want someone “with skin on”. That is the human condition and sometimes the human downfall.
I ended up writing a poem, part way through things, as they were unfolding. Writing and poetry in some form is usually what I do with my emotions. Things have to be expressed somehow. It has taken me a while to share it because feelings were raw at the time, but I am stronger now, about 2 months after a decisive and final goodbye.
The words that came quietly into my ear and my mind just recently were these:
“Don’t go looking for love. Love will come find you.”
God often speaks to us in the small whisper. He has “spoken” to me before, in that inner voice that you know is His, about the desire of my heart for a late life companion. The message from Him came in answer to my prayers about that, saying quietly that He will bring the man to me, and I have been keeping my ears and eyes open, and now my heart as well, in anticipation. I just have to learn to trust Him with it and not jump ahead of Him. I’m very glad for His love and mercy upon me, because I am a slow learner and not very patient, it seems.
What I wrote shares a small bit of my struggle emotionally. It cannot be understood completely, of course, and I do not need to go into all the details, but I felt it needed some kind of background.
Writing, especially in poetic form, needs to have some mystery attached to it, don’t you think? I hope this short piece speaks to someone, somehow. That is the purpose of sharing.
A Goodbye Poem, composed May 4, 2016
For BB, to whom she gave her love, and her “pin”, unreservedly.
She flew into love
Spreading her wings and her heart
To him, without fear
He held her back
Keeping the flood of her love
At a safe distance
She could not wait
Saddened, her thought so painful
She had to retreat
This love had torn,
Taking her heart so fully,
Keeping it in check
Goodbye, she said
Thinking it best to leave now
Her heart surrendered
Love would remain
Staying protected inside
Healing would be found
Another would come
Wanting her heart so deeply
Her love had arrived.
This time to stay…… ❤
@AJ, May 4, 2016