You Alone……?

“As the deer pants [longingly] for the water brooks, So my soul pants [longingly] for You, O God.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42:1‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I lost a nephew recently, and as we had a small, socially distanced gathering and people were brave enough to sing a few old, familiar hymn songs at the celebration of life, I thought how much I had missed the fellowship of song worship. It was so good to sing out loud together! Even amidst grief….

Many faith based activities have had to take on a different form with the emergence of Covid 19. No physical church gatherings. Zoom meetings online. No musical outreach ministries to seniors. No weddings. No funerals, though we did have this celebration of life.

I recently found online a worship chorus I enjoy. I just listened to it. Beautiful song. Lovely voice. The familiar words gave me peace. It made me want to sing.

https://www.bible.com/bible/1588/psa.42.1.amp

“AS THE DEER”

As the deer panteth for the water

So my soul longeth after Thee

You alone are my heart’s desire

And I long to worship Thee

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yield

You alone are my heart’s desire

And I long to worship Thee

You’re my friend

And You are my brother

Even though You are a King

I love You more than any other

So much more than anything

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yield

You alone are my heart’s desire

And I long to worship Thee

I want You more than gold or silver

Only You can satisfy

You alone are the real joy giver

And the apple of my eye

You alone are my strength, my shield

To You alone may my spirit yield

You alone are my heart’s desire

And I long to worship Thee

I decided to play it again and sing along, but, as usual, as is my habit with vocals, I have to check myself….

Do I mean these words I am singing? Is He alone my ONE desire?

There is so much going on in my life right now with grief and a broken relationship with someone much loved. My heart is torn.

I know and appreciate desire. There is much I want and need in life. However, does that become my one focus? Do I place too much emphasis on human relationships and somehow manage to exclude or diminish my spiritual relationship?

My faith sustains me in times of trouble, but is that enough? Am I living and breathing my faith in all of my circumstances? Are my spiritual priorities in order?

I want to believe so, of course. I am a born again believer of many years, a former bible school student, a “former” missionary (retired, if that is possible) even a former pastor to a tiny church. How could it not be so?

However, is my faith in God and the things of God today superseded by my trust and faith in human relationships? Is my faith misplaced? Is God alone my ONE desire?

I know God is my Strength and my Shield I know I long to worship Him. I know I can yield my spirit to Him. I know God means more to me than gold or silver.

But where is my joy? Have I allowed human relationship to interfere with the source of my joy? Yes, I am grieving, on more than one level, and that is natural, but I need, once again, to find that one immovable joy. Joy in Him. Joy in God.

In frustration with a very human situation, I made what I genuinely believe to be a faith-based decision about this human relationship but it has, unfortunately, hurt two of us. It has stolen my joy. I’m in grief.

I believe it must have stolen his joy too. I pray he knows where to turn….that he can see the bigger picture…..that he will find faith enough to sustain him……that he can find forgiveness for me in my humanity….. find understanding in his heart and know that despite everything I do love him and I’m trying to do what is best in the long run. Not just for me.

This too shall pass…..perhaps even be made new. Who knows? God is in the business of understanding the frailty and shortcomings of human lives and changing these for the better. It’s something he does much better than we ever could.

I’m privileged to know the real source of joy. I do know the Wellspring of joy. I’ve been here before. I know the real Joy Giver. I will live and learn. My joy will be restored. It just takes time. Faith.

A friend shared this clip and I believe I got defensive about it and misunderstood her intent. On listening again, I see her wisdom reflected in it. Wisdom from above. Wisdom in a child of the living God, in whom He is truly reflected.

Thanks, Eva ❤

Ann ❤

September 29, 2020