“I Shall Live And Not Die”

This was the theme of the Oceancrest Community Church Ladies Retreat in 2019, which I attended with a number of other ladies that year. It was a special time, with talks, arts and crafts, worship song sessions, and wonderful food!

I have thought about the theme of that retreat often since learning about the return of cancer to my body. “I shall LIVE and NOT die.” It has become my theme for my current life and I thank God for it as I take this journey again with Him.

My first trip of this sort with cancer was in 2011. I was shocked and more than a little scared, but I did what I was told for the most part…..two operations and radiation, except for the recommendation to take tamoxifen. The stated drawbacks of the drug were what made me refuse.

Instead, I followed a supplement regimen, recommended by a naturopath, that I received from a friend whose wife had cancer. That, with lifestyle changes (exercise, weight loss and a depression workshop) kept cancer at bay for 11 years.

In the last few years, but during Covid times especially, I think I lost my way and cancer returned. It is a symptom of imbalance in the body, with many underlying causes, I believe. So here we are again, only I’m 74 years old now.

Over the last few years, my sister and my Mother passed away, Covid happened, and I experienced the failure of a relationship after almost 5 years of much time spent together in companionship activities. I had lost many opportunities for social activity, including ministry and this last year especially I went into a very deep depression over the separation from my much loved and close companion. I had hoped and believed we would marry eventually and spend our remaining time together in that closer bond of relationship, but, despite many prayers, it seemed that was not to be.

There was a sudden disagreement and things ended abruptly on Dec 9, 2021. Usually after a disagreement, we would make up after a short separation from our usual companionship but this time was different. The hurt was deep and only got deeper as time went by. On January 5 I knew all hope was gone and I needed to just be God’s girl now, without a man in my life.

I had begun receiving emails from Ann Voskamp earlier on and her current series had struck deep. I had purchased the materials, DVD’s a book and a workbook, and had begun to listen to the DVD’s. I had already started, on December 1, her project of writing out “One Thousand Gifts” in a notebook. This practice helped considerably to keep the now failed relationship in perspective. I was thankful, though terribly hurt and sad. The daily recording of “gifts” from God really helped. Could I see this breakup as a “gift”?

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I had seen a naturopath in November of 2021. A suspect lump was examined and I was recommended to see my regular doctor for a second opinion. I saw my regular doctor finally in December. I did procedures, I visited surgeons, and continued to see a naturopath. I am still currently under naturopathic treatments.

I do not know what will happen this time around, but I do stand on a promise from God regarding healing. “I shall live and not die.” It is something to hang onto in my moments of doubt.

“I will not die, but live, And declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭118‬:‭17‬ ‭AMP‬‬

This focus on the promise of healing began a few months before the December break up of my long-term companionship relationship. I will share my notes on this here:

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Notes:

Sept 12, 2022: I’m reading Oswald Chambers today and remembering when God first spoke to me about healing in August of 2021. I searched til I found the note I had written previously (see below).

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September 2022: I’ve just had a discussion in Facebook with someone on healing…..see my final response with one person in that thread after reading this previous note I had written in August.

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The story of the Lepers, and Healing

August 7, 2021

I went to visit a lady friend yesterday and had Spirit FM only truck radio, and it was Terry preaching on the ten lepers story.

I had felt ill since the day before and had prayed for healing. I also took my supplements and some of the extra meds I had obtained from insulin hub through Cindy (though I did not know the dosage or remember receiving the info at the time).

After my visit with my lady friend (about 3 hours later) I got in my truck, turned on the radio, and there was Terry, preaching on the 10 leper’s story! I was amazed and wondered. Was there something I needed to pay attention to here? I listened more carefully til I arrived at a man friend’s place for dinner.

I left my friend’s place after 11 pm and got in my truck only to hear Terry on Spirit FM preaching on the 10 lepers story!!!! Unbelievable!!!!

Was this a God thing?

What was God telling me?

I marveled on the way home as I was wondering what God meant for me to learn! I thanked God for HEALING, believing Him for it, regardless of how I felt, knowing I must look at the story for myself….

“Your FAITH has made you well.” A spiritual blessing as well as the blessing of physical healing….as Terry indicated.

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Then came this conversation with someone on a thread on Facebook (September of 2022) who questioned my faith in healing. This was my response:

“Thank you for your interest. However, what makes you think I don’t have faith?

What makes you think I do not pray for healing?

What makes you think I do not believe God CAN and DOES heal?

You do not know me or my life……

I have had a long and fruitful walk with my Lord.

That is all I will say here in this thread now.

I am tired of the indication in this thread that my faith is insufficient…..

God bless everyone here in your own faith journey and I will now take my leave from this conversation…..”

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That was my response. However, this year I’ve struggled on and off with my belief….not so much that I will NOT be healed, because I know I WILL be healed in the long run, in eternity, but whether I will be healed in my lifetime here on earth or not. I am still hanging on to that hope, however, that I will live to be healed HERE while being aware that God does not guarantee healing in our lifetime, which was exactly the subject of the Facebook disagreement. The fellow said I just lacked faith.

I’m tired though. Tired of the way this world is going. Tired of being alone. Tired of doing this alone. I feel stuck.

I have applied for housing closer to my son and grandchildren, but it could take years. I don’t know if I have years. There are things I want to do in life but I don’t seem to have what it takes to do these things, or the means to do them: explore different treatment options which seem to be both expensive and in other countries, travel just to sight-see, visit my grandkids, write a book….

Is it really that my faith is too small?

God, I believe, help Thou mine unbelief….

“I shall LIVE and not die….”

AJ, February 5, 2023

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PS. March 30, in the early hours of the night, I am awakened once again by thoughts of death and I am struggling. The small lump in my breast has by now enlarged into lumps and spread. I’ve had a repeat bone scan which was clean for metastasis to the bone, as it was last year at this time. I’m waiting on results of a recent repeat cat scan to find out if there is any mestasasis to the organs. I do not know what is ahead. I do worry, despite my faith.

God has brought new friends into my life, to challenge me, to support me, and to encourage me, for which I am very thankful. They bring companionship in different forms, and it is all good.

One online friend is awake. I shared that I was struggling with sleep and had thoughts of dying. The words from this friend are a comfort.

“Dying? That’s everyone, dear Ann. But you know you are going to heaven. You have nothing to fear”

The hope of heaven.

Amen and Amen!

“I shall live and not die”

AJ