And Then Came Cancer……

October 30, 2013, Journal entry

Down to Comox today for another 6 month cancer review with surgeon

Surgeon said I am doing VERY well at 3 and a half years after the operation to remove cancer. He shook my hand!

He said I will need another check up in 6 months and another mammogram.

 So far, so good!

I thought about it all today. The stunned feeling when I got the news. I was alone and I wasn’t expecting to hear that word….CANCER.

I left the doctor, and went to a restaurant in the nearby mall in a daze. Everyone carrying on their lives around me as usual. They had no idea. I realized that I had no idea what THEY were going through either….

I drove myself home in a daze. I was stunned. I felt like I just could not speak. My immediate thoughts were on my family and the things I should do and needed to do next.

It takes something like this sometimes to get all your priorities straight. I couldn’t talk about it with most people, Just family and a few close friends.

Decisions to make. Operate on the one breast? Remove the entire breast? Remove both breasts? I decided to go with the operation on the one breast.

The operation went well. However, upon examination of the results, the margins were found to be too close and another operation had to be scheduled to take more of the breast.

I remember the surgeon came to have a few words with me before the second operation. He asked if I had any questions. I must have been very high on something they had given me, because I looked at him and said, “You already took some of my breast and now you want to take some MORE?”

He smiled a little, said nothing, scribbled on my chart and left. Poor man…..that was awful of me! I need to ask his forgiveness for that one of these days……

The surgeon was very pleased with how things went. I resigned myself to the fact that the only part of my body I had taken any pleasure in and thought was ok had now been disfigured. And some scary stuff was still ahead of me.

A visit to the oncologist was arranged. A course of treatment was prescribed. Radiation. Tamoxifen. More decisions.

My journey with cancer has been so much milder than that of many other people. Mine was DCIS, ductal carcinoma in situ. A lump had to be removed and not enough was taken out in the first operation. Thus the need for the second one.

I saw many MUCH worse cases and many suffering people when I went to the cancer lodge in Victoria. It put my own case into perspective.

The people there were so kind. The accommodations were wonderful. The food was great and in abundance. There were friends to make and stories to compare. Some were heartbreaking.

Though my case was not as hard as many I met, everything was still SCARY for me. Radiation treatments went well but were tiring. Lots of rest. Many lifestyle changes to come. Lots of visits with different doctors, and seemingly endless check ups. They certainly take good care of you!

I watched a video where a lady said that cancer was her “FRIEND” and though it took me aback at first, that is definitely how I see things now. Cancer changed my life, for the BETTER!

I have always been very selfish by nature, and I’m sure that will come through to many people who read this and have been through or seen much worse, but I wanted to tell my story anyway in the hope that it might just help someone else. Maybe someone just like me.

I was drowning in sorrow over the loss of my husband, and in major depression, and then came the big “C”. Life is different now. I try to focus on what is really important. I’m still selfish, but I learned some important things.

I’m THANKFUL!